Sunday, June 25, 2006

Unnamed Track, Sarimbun, at noon

My muse says, more war poetry.

Here's some memories from my NS days. Actually, I have posted it
before, but I edited it with an intention to submit it to an on-line journal.

Not too sure if this version is better.

---------------------------------

Armoured Personnel Carrier
image by dsnake1

Unnamed Track, Sarimbun, at noon




Somehow

       I drew sentry duty.
       Cursing my luck,
       I hung a tattered red flag
       on a rusted pole.
       Who will notice
       this warning
       in this free fire zone?

       I yawned
       beneath a scorching sun
       as APCs creaked by
       lurching like drunk rhinos
       into the shade of the jungle,
       the dust hung like a veil
       over a tortured track
       scarred to fossilised furrows.

       I laid belligerently
       in the tall grass
       swatting sand flies, mosquitos
       chain-smoking
       dreaming
       of my village girls
       their smiles, their thighs,
       their etc
       as 20mm Oerliekon shells
       shattered wooden targets

somewhere.



01-12-89
24-06-06 (Revised)
******************


APCs : Armoured Personnel Carriers

7 Comments:

Blogger Medusa aka expiringpoet said...

Hey early congrats to you, I'm sure it'll get published, its good :) If i have to choose, I'd take the 1st version; its more raw, more "direct". Hmm...ok, this is lousy attempt at feedback cos i'm very vocab-challenged today as u might already have noticed. Think its result of too much football, not enough thinking. Gah!

29 June, 2006 02:07  
Blogger floots said...

i too prefer the more direct feel of version one
(though i like both)
the layout of two is also better
but
in both cases it is that final "somewhere" which lends so much power to the piece
shows the loneliness and isolation
nice one

29 June, 2006 13:43  
Blogger dsnake1 said...

medusa,
thanks for your opinions, so original version is preferred.

agree with you, you don't learn much vocab from football, maybe the unprintables. :)

floots,
that's why i have my doubts about the new version. It's tidied up, but it don't have the "nervy" feel of the original.

Maybe it's still "first try, best try"? :)

29 June, 2006 19:16  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

IMO, this new version is definetly better. The previous one was rather ranty. In this new version, each strophe hits me with a memorable and vivid image of the narrator. I'm actually glad you remove the description of the flag "hung limp" because it will cause readers to wonder if you are trying to imply something about the narrator, particularly that those words were on a line by themselves. *g*

"tortured tracks scared to fossilised furrows" just sounds good and is enjoyable to read out loud.

Loved the sonics in the first strophe.

Don't think you need the word "belligenrently" in strophe 2, since what follows shows it anyway.

Excellent stuff, dsnake.

- Liz

30 June, 2006 17:06  
Blogger dsnake1 said...

Liz,
thanks for your comments! the new version is much neater, and i have checked for tenses and punctuations, but i still think that ver. 1 has more emotions in it. maybe for ezine submissions ver.2 is more appropriate. :)

01 July, 2006 00:18  
Blogger ME Strauss said...

Dreaming of the village girls.

That's not depressing it's filled with hope and youth. I'm not going to read version 1. I don't want this version to feel left out. :)

10 July, 2006 20:20  
Blogger dsnake1 said...

Liz,
Thank you! Doing my army service, i was always dreaming. Also tried a bit of writing, but was never good. Distractions. :)

11 July, 2006 19:58  

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