Photo-Poetry Challenge : Photo 2
I really have no idea what to write on this photo, until i walked past this Pizza Hut outlet near my place, saw the staff hanging outside the store, chatting, waiting for opening time.
Then the words sort of all tumbled out, and the poem was all baked in less than an hour. Talk about fast food!
==========
image from internet, source unknown
Opening Hours
Oh!
The slow march of ticking minutes
the excruciating, boring wait.
The chefs should be firing up the stoves,
stealing a puff from their cigarettes
in the backlane
and the crew with their MP3s
glued to their ears
are breaking out the cutlery.
Oh!
can't wait for opening hours
at this diner
where we will be served
with the juiciest gossip.
21.05.06
********
Then the words sort of all tumbled out, and the poem was all baked in less than an hour. Talk about fast food!
==========
image from internet, source unknown
Opening Hours
Oh!
The slow march of ticking minutes
the excruciating, boring wait.
The chefs should be firing up the stoves,
stealing a puff from their cigarettes
in the backlane
and the crew with their MP3s
glued to their ears
are breaking out the cutlery.
Oh!
can't wait for opening hours
at this diner
where we will be served
with the juiciest gossip.
21.05.06
********
posted by dsnake1 at 3:15 PM
10 Comments:
food for thought :)
Personally I would drop the "oh!"s, but apart from that, I liked it .... I liked the ending especially.
floots,
cheers! :)
gilbert,
thanks for your comments! I thought using the "oh!"s would add some drama or tension to the poem. maybe it didn't work. :)
i love the phrase 'breaking out the cutlery'. So perfect and absolutely spot-on!
medusa, i broke more cutlery than breaking them out . :)
Ooh gossip, everyone's favorite dish. :D It's the appetiser, but all too often becomes the main course.
As for the "oh!", Maybe you should have only one, in the most effective position you can find. Might be fun to try putting them at the end (or somewhere in the middle) of a line or strophe instead of the beginning. Just an idea.
Thanks for the suggestion, liz.
i will read it aloud again, without the "Oh!s", and with them at different parts of the poem, to see which i like better. :)
Oh!
This is a terrible start!
The slow march of ticking minutes
the excruciating, boring wait.
Getting interesting.
The chefs should be firing up the stoves,
stealing a puff from their cigarettes
in the backlane
Too wordiness for my liking. Nothing interesting to grab my attention.
and the crew with their MP3s
glued to their ears
are breaking out the cutlery.
I can live with this.
Oh!
Help! I am dying!
can't wait for opening hours
at this diner
Nothing interesting here.
where we will be served
with the juiciest gossip.
Interesting ending.
The repetition of “Oh!” didn’t work for me. Some of these lines are prosy and unfortunately the individual words don’t carry enough weight. I think you need to bring this piece back to the drawing board. Just my opinion.
- Alex K
Ds I like it!! As far as the Oh's I think they emphasize the impatience of waiting very well!!
Alex K,
thanks for your comments. maybe i'll do some revisions on it.
pat,
thanks for stopping by. personnally, i loke the "Oh!"s too.
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