37℃
In a recent prompt at poetry writing group Poets and Storytellers United, admin Rosemary Nissen-Wade wants us to "rewrite one of your not-quite-working pieces by transcribing it backwards, and then following wherever that leads you."
photo by Pitsch from pixabay
37℃
by my feet
the asphalt,
sunbaked,
dead leaves crispy,
yellow painted lines
cracked,
flaking,
the sighs
of vehicle tyres rushing by,
turning, churning,
a chain gang
herding
dust, paper, plastics
to the kerbs,
the mynahs hide in the shades
not bothering about food,
the tired leaves
of July,
keeps falling
and then
hesitant
again,
the air
unmoving,
hot,
still silence.
26/02/2025
**********
And this is the original poem, posted on this blog 15 years ago, that was used to "write it backwards". It is reproduced below.
Spring
still silence
the air
hesitant
to move
the leaves of spring
are not green
not yet
like sighs
sun crisped
they drop
from boughs
to the asphalt
by my feet.
written 14/02/2010
Chinese New Year
revised 07/03/2010
******************
So dear reader, which poem do you prefer? After writing the new one, I still think the original is better, sharp and to the point. What I like about the new one is it goes like a single breath.
© cheong lee san ( dsnake1 ) 2025
37℃
by my feet
the asphalt,
sunbaked,
dead leaves crispy,
yellow painted lines
cracked,
flaking,
the sighs
of vehicle tyres rushing by,
turning, churning,
a chain gang
herding
dust, paper, plastics
to the kerbs,
the mynahs hide in the shades
not bothering about food,
the tired leaves
of July,
keeps falling
and then
hesitant
again,
the air
unmoving,
hot,
still silence.
26/02/2025
**********
And this is the original poem, posted on this blog 15 years ago, that was used to "write it backwards". It is reproduced below.
Spring
still silence
the air
hesitant
to move
the leaves of spring
are not green
not yet
like sighs
sun crisped
they drop
from boughs
to the asphalt
by my feet.
written 14/02/2010
Chinese New Year
revised 07/03/2010
******************
So dear reader, which poem do you prefer? After writing the new one, I still think the original is better, sharp and to the point. What I like about the new one is it goes like a single breath.
© cheong lee san ( dsnake1 ) 2025
Labels: mindscape, mood, one sentence, Poetry, Poetry exercise
posted by dsnake1 at 1:19 AM
11 Comments:
I like the purity of your spring poem ... the hesitant air and the asphalt tug at our senses. :)
They are both beautiful poems. The first one explains more. But the second one is perfect in it's simple way. I prefer the second!
Penelope,
Thank you.
Yes, it feels less cluttered than the first one, though i intended for the first one to be convoluted. :)
Stacy,
Thank you for the visit.
Yes, there are more details in the first one, but i like the brevity of the second too.
I too prefer the second version. 'Less is more.' I'm glad my prompt gave you a good result.
Thank you, Rosemary.
It's a good poetry exercise anyway, and I have a good time playing with the line breaks. Maybe I will look for another really old poem and try again. :)
Well, that was the idea — to give us all a tool we can use more than once. (Albeit time-consuming ... but then, creating a 'finished' poem often takes time.)
It's a good tool to have around when I run out of ideas.
You're right about the 'finished' poem. I still have poems in my notebooks or hard drive that doesn't feel 'finished'. :)
The simplicity of the original. However, your new verse adds depth. Either way, I’m still hew to free ferse.
Thank you, Rob.
Welcome to free verse! Practise and practise. And try out some of the structured forms too. It will help. :)
Although I like both, I prefer the first poem. It has more atmosphere and engenders stronger feelings, albeit rather negative ones. The oppressive heat can be perceived as a psychological oppression as well.
Thank you, Nicholas.
I like how you view the heat as a form of psychological oppression too.
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