Saturday, December 06, 2008

haiku : autumn

This was my entry for haikuworld's November kukai. The theme for the Free Format kukai was "Everyday People".

Okay, the haiku didn't do too well, nobody voted for it. :) But I am posting it anyway, since I am running out of words.


Autumn leaves
photo by Kettu
image from morguefile.com



autumn


falling autumn leaves.
an old man dozes
on a park bench.





And another one I didn't send in..


a mother kisses her baby
in the bus.
love in the city.


08/11/2008
**********



© cheong lee san ( dsnake1 )

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8 Comments:

Blogger magiceye said...

love them both! so evocative and tneder in their own ways! lovely!

06 December, 2008 15:18  
Blogger dsnake1 said...

thanks, magiceye!

i thought the one i sent in was quite ok, but.. :)

07 December, 2008 01:05  
Blogger josh said...

Cheong,

I admit to not recalling your poem from the kukai.

My guess at why it wasn't recognized is, primarily, its triteness. That is, the juxtaposition between leaves and age is obvious and has been exhausted in haiku.

Additionally, the word 'autumn' is unnecessary as "falling leaves" tells us it's autumn. Haiku is the the epitome of poetic brevity, no?

Wishing you health and joy. I look forward to following your poetry here and in the kukai.

Aloha,

josh

12 December, 2008 03:45  
Blogger dsnake1 said...

josh,

thank you for your comments.

now i know where the problem is. there is still so much to learn. :)

12 December, 2008 08:48  
Anonymous gel said...

Hi,

I especially like the first one. So many times I've seen someone dozing on a park bench. That evoked a strong image for me.

xxoo,
gel

17 December, 2008 11:47  
Blogger dsnake1 said...

GEL,
thank you!

the authorities over here do not encourage dozing on park benches. :)

18 December, 2008 00:00  
Blogger J. Andrew Lockhart said...

both of these are beautiful! when I have more time I'm coming back to read the story...

23 December, 2008 12:29  
Blogger dsnake1 said...

Thank you, Andrew!

I am quite busy too, with work in the office. It's the year end, and people are clearing their annual leave.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New year to you!

23 December, 2008 23:53  

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