Sunday, May 21, 2006

Photo-Poetry Challenge : Photo 2

I really have no idea what to write on this photo, until i walked past this Pizza Hut outlet near my place, saw the staff hanging outside the store, chatting, waiting for opening time.

Then the words sort of all tumbled out, and the poem was all baked in less than an hour. Talk about fast food!

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Psst, have you heard about ...
image from internet, source unknown

Opening Hours


Oh!
The slow march of ticking minutes
the excruciating, boring wait.

The chefs should be firing up the stoves,
stealing a puff from their cigarettes
in the backlane

and the crew with their MP3s
glued to their ears
are breaking out the cutlery.

Oh!
can't wait for opening hours
at this diner

where we will be served
with the juiciest gossip.

21.05.06
********

10 Comments:

Blogger floots said...

food for thought :)

22 May, 2006 01:05  
Blogger Gilbert Koh said...

Personally I would drop the "oh!"s, but apart from that, I liked it .... I liked the ending especially.

22 May, 2006 09:09  
Blogger dsnake1 said...

floots,
cheers! :)

gilbert,
thanks for your comments! I thought using the "oh!"s would add some drama or tension to the poem. maybe it didn't work. :)

22 May, 2006 23:23  
Blogger Medusa aka expiringpoet said...

i love the phrase 'breaking out the cutlery'. So perfect and absolutely spot-on!

23 May, 2006 14:45  
Blogger dsnake1 said...

medusa, i broke more cutlery than breaking them out . :)

23 May, 2006 22:05  
Blogger Bluesky_Liz said...

Ooh gossip, everyone's favorite dish. :D It's the appetiser, but all too often becomes the main course.

As for the "oh!", Maybe you should have only one, in the most effective position you can find. Might be fun to try putting them at the end (or somewhere in the middle) of a line or strophe instead of the beginning. Just an idea.

24 May, 2006 20:03  
Blogger dsnake1 said...

Thanks for the suggestion, liz.
i will read it aloud again, without the "Oh!s", and with them at different parts of the poem, to see which i like better. :)

24 May, 2006 22:52  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh!

This is a terrible start!

The slow march of ticking minutes
the excruciating, boring wait.


Getting interesting.

The chefs should be firing up the stoves,
stealing a puff from their cigarettes
in the backlane


Too wordiness for my liking. Nothing interesting to grab my attention.

and the crew with their MP3s
glued to their ears
are breaking out the cutlery.


I can live with this.

Oh!

Help! I am dying!

can't wait for opening hours
at this diner


Nothing interesting here.

where we will be served
with the juiciest gossip.


Interesting ending.

The repetition of “Oh!” didn’t work for me. Some of these lines are prosy and unfortunately the individual words don’t carry enough weight. I think you need to bring this piece back to the drawing board. Just my opinion.

- Alex K

25 May, 2006 01:24  
Blogger Pat Paulk said...

Ds I like it!! As far as the Oh's I think they emphasize the impatience of waiting very well!!

26 May, 2006 17:31  
Blogger dsnake1 said...

Alex K,
thanks for your comments. maybe i'll do some revisions on it.

pat,
thanks for stopping by. personnally, i loke the "Oh!"s too.

28 May, 2006 18:13  

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