in the night the weeds
This poem was written for NaPoWriMo 2011. Some recollections from my army days. It did not attract a single comment back then. Let's see if it can do better now. :)
photo by carygrant
image from morguefile.com
in the night the weeds
in the night the weeds, the ferns were
all black amorphous shadows that
rustled and creaked and we sat
among them listening to
the quarrels of
the frogs,
the toads,
as we broke regulations
lighting up a smoke, cupping
the cigarettes in our hands to hide
the glow of burning tips, waiting, rifles
cold on skin, for the next detail to relieve us.
11/04/2011
**********
Shared on Poetry Pantry #143 at Poets United.
©cheong lee san ( dsnake1 ) 2013
Labels: camaraderie, landscape, military, Poetry, Poets United, soldiers
posted by dsnake1 at 10:50 PM
17 Comments:
I liked it. You really made the scene come to life with specific detail.
You have described the scene well. I like the sights and sounds you brought into this poem; and the fear is palpable! You told it like it is.......
I remember those moments from my own forces days. Great write.
nice capture of a moment...makes me wonder where you were stationed...interesting too on the concentration, the watching the grass...the slow drag of smoke...the waiting
There is a wonderful feeling of freedom in this write--really lovely!
I like this. You capture the entire experience very succinctly.
Very interesting snapshot of life. I really liked this.
I can feel the tension in the waiting, as you heard the quarrels of the frogs... then the hiding of the lights from the cigarettes, the trying to have a normal calm moment... but the rifles ready in case they're needed before you're relieved of your duty for the night... really good write. You provided a perfect snapshot of a moment that I could feel down to my bones...
Can't imagine why it didn't get comments then. I think it's wonderfully written, creating both visuals and mood cleverly and with great economy. You put me right there, in both externals and feeling - and I am a 73-year-old female pacifist!
PS I wonder if you mean 'relieve' rather than 'relief'?
Love the mood of this..just a simple vignette but I can see it all.Lovely.
Until near the end I had no idea we were talking military. Camaraderie in the dark wild is the same no matter the company we keep.
That opening image sticks in my mind, I like the suspense.
I think you have captured a sense of time and space very well in this descriptive piece. The reader gets the feeling that there is a story behind this. I think your choice of the word 'quarrels' was inspired in the context of a war poem.
nissa,
thank you! glad you liked the poem. :)
Mary,
thank you for the kind comment. :)
Anthony,
i guessed most servicemen went through those moments in their lives.
thanks!
Brian,
that was in my own country. it's quite boring, really, nothing much
happens. (which is a good thing).
Audrey,
well, out in the open, it's better than being cooped up in a camp. :)
McGuffy Ann,
thank you! :)
Kimolisa,
thanks for visiting! :)
Serena,
thanks! it's a job we have to do. :)
Rosemary,
probably it was during NaPoWriMo month. poetry overkill. :D
sometimes, we bear arms to prevent war. (strange as it may sounds)
thanks for pointing that out. i have used the noun instead of the verb. i have corrected it. :)
Cressida,,
thanks for dropping by. :)
Kim,
there's not much choice, out there in the dark. :)
rch,
first impression helps. :)
Kerry,
thanks for the visit.
yes, i have chosen the word "quarrels" carefully, but i didn't think about it in the context of a war poem when i wrote it.(you hear sounds clearer in the night). i was writing about a squad on a training exercise, but i think it can also apply to a moment in war. thanks again for your comment. :)
Nice work, a refreshing read :-)
thanks for the visit, Ash. :)
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