Sunday, May 22, 2016

the night sticks like wet petals

This is my first attempt on a "golden shovel" poem. I find it interesting, even challenging.

The poem I chose was In a Station of the Metro by Ezra Pound :

The apparition of these faces in the crowd;
Petals on a wet, black bough.




photo by dsnake1




the night sticks like wet petals


if you imagine us scurrying down to the
tunnels, each of us is an apparition
skins lined after a helpless day of
slaving in hills of data then these
shadows these lines on your faces
those sunken eyes reflected in
steel the glass panels of the

stations and the bloodshot eyes of the crowd;

the night sticks like wet petals
unwilling to fall, clinging on
the scent of fading cologne, on a
breath thick with reasons, slick and wet,
all waiting, the masses, huddled and black
as the train hurtling in, a thick dark bough.


19/05/2016
**********


heck, it even has a nice form. but am not too satisfied with this attempt..





"I'm sorry my dears but we only sat down
And laughed and laughed in sorrow"

-- Uriah Heep, Circus



Shared on Poetry Pantry #303 at Poets United.






© cheong lee san ( dsnake1 ) 2016

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14 Comments:

OpenID thotpurge said...

on a breath thick with reasons.. a great line! Such an interesting form, I really want to give it a shot sometime!

22 May, 2016 23:59  
Blogger brudberg said...

Oh I like how you expanded on Ezra's words... you even kept some a bit of the imagist feeling of the original poem... Personally I really like the result

23 May, 2016 00:29  
Blogger Sherry Blue Sky said...

I think you executed it very well. You make me see the scurrying crowd, careworn from the workday....love the train hurtling in........and the golden shovel form is very intriguing.

23 May, 2016 01:41  
Blogger Jae Rose said...

I love both the form and imagery - particularly those wet petals..at first fresh but eventually they become tired, grey and worn by the daily grind too

23 May, 2016 02:59  
Blogger Sanaa Rizvi said...

the night sticks like wet petals
unwilling to fall..

Such a powerful image. Brilliant shovel :D

23 May, 2016 03:29  
Blogger Mary said...

Excellent 'golden shovel.' You have written the poem in such a masterful way one never would have known it was a 'golden shovel.' The atmosphere you have created is oppressive...the reader can FEEL it and smell that fading cologne. Really a good write this week!

23 May, 2016 05:01  
Blogger Truedessa said...

Well, I think you did a great job with the form. I haven't tried it yet but, you made it flow so easy.

23 May, 2016 05:43  
Blogger Wendy Bourke said...

Intense and powerful - "the scent of fading cologne, on a breath thick with reasons" ... Woozers! Awesome, haunting, indelible! What a line!

23 May, 2016 09:18  
Blogger Sumana Roy said...

the image of apparition is true, sad and moving...nice use of the form...

23 May, 2016 10:57  
Blogger Rosemary Nissen-Wade said...

WelI think it's terrific, so there! The original is one of my favourites, yet you had me hardly notice it in reading yours - which both took on a life of its own (in a good way) and enhanced and developed Pound's image. Bravo!

23 May, 2016 15:33  
Blogger dsnake1 said...

thotpurge,

i learned about this form from Mary, and i thought i should give it a shot. i think you should too. :)


Bjorn,

ah, Imagism. i think my style of writing is partly influenced by this movement, even without me really aware of it at first.
thank you for your kind comment. :)


Sherry,

thank you! that was where i was sometimes, with the masses. :)


Jae,

i like how you looked at the wet petals. that's the wonder of poetry. :)


Sanaa,

thank you! you have an awesome poem this week. :)


Mary,

thank you, i am just writing from experience. actually i took a short while to write this piece. perhaps Pound's poem does encourage one to explore it further. :)


Truedessa,

thank you! i was surprised at how fast i wrote it. i thought it might still need a lot of editing. :)


Wendy,

thank you! glad that you liked the poem. :)


Sumana,

yes, that's quite true of the evening rush hour traffic. anyway, as Mary has commented, the atmosphere i created is quite oppressive. it may not be always like this, but for the purpose of this poem, yeah. that's why in my notes i said i was not really too satisfied with this poem. :(


Rosemary,

Ezra Pound's poem, this particular one, is a must read for anyone attempting to write short verses.
thank you! :)







23 May, 2016 20:36  
Blogger dsnake1 said...

Hey guys, i may be a bit slow going around to read your works. i had a bad day in the office today, and the following days do not look too good either. :(

23 May, 2016 20:40  
Blogger R.K. Garon said...

That was good. Thanks for the "golden shovel" concept. I may give it a try sometime.
Great choice with Ezra :-)
ZQ

24 May, 2016 00:08  
Blogger dsnake1 said...

good to see you, my friend! :)

24 May, 2016 20:18  

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