longing
I wrote this as an exercise in writing a tanka. It was posted in this blog before, but it attracted zero comments. Perhaps no one came across it, so I am re-posting it.
For this work, I am sticking to the 5-7-5-7-7 syllables format, though I used to write this form in less. :)
photo by greyerbaby
image from morguefile.com
longing
what then do i see?
a field of wavering grass
a blue sky of clouds.
but not your face, nor your smile
not today, not tomorrow.
21/08/2011
**********
"So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart.."
--Metallica, Nothing Else Matters
Shared on Poetry Pantry #274 at Poets United.
© cheong lee san ( dsnake1 ) 2015
For this work, I am sticking to the 5-7-5-7-7 syllables format, though I used to write this form in less. :)
image from morguefile.com
longing
what then do i see?
a field of wavering grass
a blue sky of clouds.
but not your face, nor your smile
not today, not tomorrow.
21/08/2011
**********
"So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart.."
--Metallica, Nothing Else Matters
Shared on Poetry Pantry #274 at Poets United.
© cheong lee san ( dsnake1 ) 2015
posted by dsnake1 at 6:28 PM
24 Comments:
Nature can be a comfort in longing, but also a canvas to make the longing more palpable... Lovely tanka.
Soo romantic! Such a burning desire to lift those eyes upon the face of its beloved :D
Beautifully penned!
Lots of love,
Sanaa
The most meaningful things/people are so hard to replace and the longing is so great...i am glad you reposted and hope others enjoy your piece as much as me..i could certainly feel the ache..pared down to its most vital feeling
Like your tanka..the last line adds depth to it.
A beautiful tanka!
Interesting really... It doesn't seem like a very happy poem to me, as you cannot see the person's face or smile or today or tomorrow. So the beautiful setting of the grass and blue clouds lose their meaning really...and are quite empty without a human connection which seems to be desired in the second stanza.
Bjorn,
there's truth in that. :)
Sanaa,
thank you so much! :)
Jae,
pared down, yes. thus a tanka. a haiku would be harder to express. thank you! :)
thotpurge,
thank you! :)
Rosemary,
thanks!
Mary,
thanks for analyzing the poem. no, it is not a happy poem. i was writing about the loss of a loved one, wishing that we could see the sky/etc together again.
There's such a sadness and yearning...beautiful.
A very poignant poem, such depth of feeling in these few lines...the contrast between the beauty of the scene and the loss and longing is palpable. Wonderful share, my friend. Always so nice to see you in the Pantry!
a simple wonder does do magic here.
sometimes it's the feeling and not a particular person.
It is a romantic longing that measures the beauty of a landscape by absence. Well done.
How is it we seeks comfort in the natural world when we suffer loss, particularly a love? I think that I assures us that we can go on regardless of the hurt we feel when we see life blooming around us.
Firstly, I do not like the split into 3 then 2 lines. I would run bothv sets of events together and present the classic 5lined verse
Secondly the theme of love and longing is potent and strong and makes for a lovely tanka
Much love...
Sherri B.,
thank you! :)
Sherry,
thanks! my pleasure to visit the pantry. :)
Maggie,
thanks for visiting. :)
Natasa,
true, but in this case i was thinking about a particular person. :)
Susan,
ah yes, i think. well described. :)
Robin,
this tanka may be seen as negative, but yes, we will move on. :)
Gillena,
thanks for your suggestion/review. a classic tanka shouldn't have a break, and furthermore, i am using a strict syllabic count. i break it up to try to bring out the contrast in emotions in the lines. :)
I like the last 2 lines of tanka, underlining the longing with urge and passion. Nice work.
thank you, humbird! i am glad it works! :)
promises come when you seek but not project
lovely verse.
Hi Nancy, thanks for visiting! :)
Where did you get that photo?
Good use of the form. I like the flow of this one.
hey T,
don't you read the credits?
hi G L,
thank you! this is one form i find not easy to write. :)
a delicate piece of poetry.
Alison, thank you! :)
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